My grandmother, Lilian, passed away last night and, to be honest, I got a swift kick in the ass to “man up” and face certain things in my life I’ve been trying to avoid.
She wasn’t a bad person, she just wasn’t personable to me. I always felt apart from her familial circle, like I didn’t really belong. She always made me feel less than. I’m sure, in my heart of hearts, that was not her intention, it was just the type of person she was, closed off, like my father used to be. Fortunately, my father gained wisdom from those days and, I’m thankful because I feel closer to him now than I ever have before.
Don’t get me wrong, my dad’s stepmother, Elsie, was great. We couldn’t have asked for a better “Nanny” figure but, I do feel a sense of loss because I didn’t really try to build a stronger relationship with Lilian.
She was four months shy of living a century on this earth. Can you imagine? When she finally did retire, at the ripe, old age of 84, she spent it riding motor cycles and traveling across Europe once a year. Crazy.
You know, I can almost picture her, not as an old lady but, as a young woman, living her dreams, seeing things she never thought she’d see, doing things she never thought she’d do, living the rest of her days as if they were her last. I believe she probably could’ve taught me a thing or two and, that’s my loss..
If you’re a person who sees the world through a glass half full of clear, blue water, you would see this as an opportunity to grow and learn from past mistakes.
The things we experience in life, the people we meet, good or bad, shape the person we are today. There is so much we can learn from each other but, and I am as guilty of this as anyone, we get lost in our own little world, with all the drama and chaos, and we forget it’s part of a much larger one, filled with billions of people who dream just as much as we do.
Okay, so I’ve gone off on another tangent, time to reel back, throw that shark in the hold, and sail on.
Regardless of the circumstances, my father and I had lunch together and, I’m ashamed to say, it’s been awhile. I know he’s not going to be around forever, and I would be a fool to pass up the chance to spend as much time getting to know the person he is now and I can appreciate and respect how hard \he worked and how much he sacrificed to overcome those obstacles.
He’s a great man with a kind, generous and loving spirit. I’m a better person because he’s a part of my life, and when his earthly vessel is laid to rest, his spirit will live on through me.
He brought me a bag of goodies, you know, old pictures and slides from my childhood days (he even slipped in a slide viewer. He thinks of everything.)
I’ll tell you what, they brought back a lot of great memories, there was also a playbill and newspaper review from my theatrical days, a beautiful personalized pen and, ever so concerned with my financial security, an article from the February issue of “The American Legion Magazine.” titled “The Basics of Budgeting”, I love him.
So, as much as I hate funerals, I will go to the services on Wednesday and conquer my feelings of inadequacy, or die trying.
So, if I don’t post anything after that, you’ll know I failed miserably. 😉